If you have missed the previous post you can read
So, one year later, we were back at square one. Everything was different, but somehow everything was the same. We were still a family of 2. We still wanted to be a family of, well, more than 2. Only a very small group of family and friends knew about the miscarriage, and I am so very thankful that we waited to make a big pregnancy announcement because I don't know if (at that time) I could have handled having to tell so many people about loosing our little angel.
On a side note - and kind of a public service announcement:
Please, please, please, be very careful when asking young couples "So, when are you going to start having kids?". I know that people ask because they care, (and some people ask just to be nosy) but you never know what that couple may be going through. This question can be very hurtful. I was asked this question several times in the spring/summer of 2013 and it was all I could do to hold back the tears.
For young couples who may get this question - the most polite answer I have found for this question is "Whenever God decides to give us kids."
Okay, back to the story. We started trying again. I am not going to share the specifics of 'the trying' here. However if you are in this trying stage, and would like more information about this time from me, please leave a comment and I will be more than happy to answer your questions privately. I will say this, the summer of 2013 was one of the loneliest times of my life. It felt like everyone I knew was either pregnant or had a young baby...the thing my heart desired the most. I have always been pretty good at putting on a happy face and not letting people know how I am really feeling, and that summer I had my "happy face" on every day.
Month after month went by. Summer turned into fall and fall turned into winter. And we were starting to wonder if God's plan for our family involved some other means of having children (like adoption) because try as we might, we were still not pregnant.
Some days we felt frustrated - why was it taking so long? Why wasn't God's timeline more like ours?! What was He waiting for?
Some days we felt desperate - what if there is something medically wrong and we can't have kids?
Some days we were just so sad for our little one that we lost.
But all days we were thankful (or at least we tried to find reasons to be) - Thankful for each other. Thankful for good jobs and a roof over our heads. Thankful for the lessons we were learning. Thankful to the opportunity to grow closer to each other through this trial. Thankful for how God was molding us to be more like Him.
We had decided that if we were not pregnant after the first of the new year (2014), that we would make an appointment with a doctor to get some medical advice. But thankfully we never needed to make that appointment, because like I said, God's timing is perfect! And at the beginning of December we found out that we were pregnant (again)!
And to be perfectly honest, I was terrified.
I know, it doesn't make sense, for months and months we had been wanting to be pregnant. Praying every month that I was. And now that I finally saw the 2 lines on the pee stick, I was terrified. I couldn't get past the big "what if".
What if we have another miscarriage?
I don't know if that will ever go away.
Something I had to do every day of my pregnancy with Rebekah was to thank God for giving me another day of being this little girl's mommy. To ask Him to keep us safe and healthy for that day, and to give tomorrow to Him. I know that God is in control. I can worry and plan and try all I want, but when it comes to babies, it doesn't do a lick of good. Now, that's not to say we don't plan things. We do. But when we plan, we also keep in mind the fact that God also has a plan. And His is better than any plan we could make ourselves.
This lesson applies situations besides babies! I would like to encourage you to remember that God is in control, that He has a plan. Give your worries to Him!
To be continued with Rebekah's birth story tomorrow...and because no post is complete without a cute baby picture...
(again, picture from Aunty Wen...isn't she amazing?!)